Looking back (again)

I’ve been in Japan for about two years and since finally I have some free time I decided to look back at things and write about my feelings, which unfortunately are pretty contradictory right now.

I spent one year and a half without an actual life, I was going to school in the mornings and working until late at night, but it was never a problem since I always liked to keep myself busy. Due to my lack of time and lack of money I could not enjoy my student life as much as I wanted but I had lots of fun and I met lots of people, so no regrets about it.

I managed to get a job as an English teacher. I work in three elementary schools, it takes me about one hour and a half to get to my workplace so I wake up very early in the mornings and, consequently, I go to bed very early too. I’m back to elementary school times myself. I enjoy commuting every day? Well, I don’t hate it, but I’m having serious trouble deciding if I should move or not. Leaving Tokyo is cheap; the problem would be coming back to Tokyo after one year if next school year I’m not working in the same place. Nowadays nothing ties me to Tokyo anyway but…moving takes money and time. And I feel pretty lazy about it.

But the thing I wanted to talk about is the fact that I’m missing home more than ever right now. I got to come to Tokyo after so many efforts, but when I’m asked “why did you decide to come?” I can’t find an answer.

I enjoy living and working in Japan. I like speaking Japanese everyday and, believe it or not, I like practicing kanji. There are still a lot of things I want to know about Japan, a lot of places I want to go and a lot of things I want to do. But since I quit my part-time job to become a teacher I feel lonely. It’s not the same kind of relationship; I can’t get that close with my coworkers since I don’t spend that much time with them and, must say, there is a school in particular where they treat me awful (they treat other “visitor teachers” awful too, so at least I know the problem is not me). I miss people. Something I never thought of me saying since I was always so shy and reticent to human relationships.

I work from Tuesday to Friday and weekends are the worst part of the week. People who know me know that I hate free time since I have kept myself busy for the past years doing whatever; working, studying, reading or hanging out. When I came to Japan I made friends (or acquaintances) very fast, started from scratch and tried to be a better person, failed to be for some reasons sometimes, but I think I’ve done it more than successfully. I have been there to listen to people’s problems; I think I’ve supported them during hard times. I’ve found strength to go out feeling awful just to be with people who needed me. But unfortunately, when I need someone to give me a hug I can’t find anyone. The people I need are far away, and those people I supported are capable of saying things like “oh, I’m sorry but I’m tired” in hard times like when my grandma passed out. Well, thanks. I miss my besties, the ones in Barcelona and the ones in Fukuoka. And I will forever regret being a badass during my early twenties because now I know how hard it is to feel like no one around gives a darn about what you feel. I’m sorry.

I’m feeling like crap right now because I can’t find the strength I need to go back to the old me, who had tons of motivation to do anything and who was always coming up with crazy ideas. I don’t have interest in anything, I feel I want to learn new things but I’m not even interested in deciding what; I want to travel but I don’t feel like doing it alone because, you know I’m not the kind of person to do things alone. I would require assistance for anything, even going to the toilet alone makes me feel uncomfortable and I say this after coming here all by myself (and yes, nothing makes sense). I need people. I enjoy living alone because yes, I live at my own pace, but I need people to hang out and have a beer, or drinking wine at a fancy restaurant. Or just to have a coffee at any café and talk about any stupid thing. Or just to spend time together at home watching movies and eating pizza and ice-cream.

I had a very nice first year here in Japan but, since last October things aren’t as good as I expected. Yes I have a job, yes I am healthy (I get sick often but I’m fine), I have economic stability and my family and friends are fine…but far away. Not homesick but friendsick if this does even exist (yes, it does).

So here and now I’m going to make some statements. Because all of you know that things only work for me when I write about it.

I’m going to stop living a disastrous unhealthy life and I’m going to start working out and eating healthy. Probably at my pace but it’s time for a change. And since I wrote it I have to do it, no excuses.

I’m going to find something to fill my free time; I attended a chorus lesson yesterday and I wasn’t satisfied. So I will probably look for a glee club or similar and attend private singing lessons. Even if I have a weird musical taste, music has always been by my side on tough moments so I want to give it a try. And I want to study something else because I feel empty when I don’t have to memorize useless stuff.

I’m going to start doing things, even if it’s alone. I don’t want to regret spending my whole twenties doing stuff I can do when I am old (just for the record, in one year I’ve watched all seasons of HIMYM, TBBT, Once Upon a Time, Glee and I am probably missing something). I want to go places and I shouldn’t care if nobody wants to join me.

I'm going to write. I have lots of ideas and I just need to focus. So, let's focus.

And I’m going to smile. And be proud of me.