The looong summer holidays

So here we are, mid August, finally.
And summer holidays, which I may say, are too long and unpaid so I am oficially not very happy about it but things could be worse!

I am going back home today to spend a couple of weeks with family after some months, would say almost a year since my stay back in March was too short and not happy. I don't actually remember much about it, feels like a dream sometimes.

Being here in Tokyo, miles away from home, sometimes things just don't feel real. Sometimes I can't tell what was a dream and what is the truth. Also because my sleeping habits are awful (I have been sleeping in the sofa for a couple of months because it's too hot to sleep in the loft), but I guess that being that far away from home and also the lack of information during the last months (I was too tired to even check Twitter...I was actually sleeping everywhere) made me feel like this.
Some months ago I dreamt I was still doing figure skating, and I was super happy and stuff but some days later I dreamt my mom passed away and my grandma was still alive. I freaked out. I wasn't sure about which was the reality and it was all sadness and despair and it took me a while to figure things out. I would like to know if someone has ever had the same kind of experience while being abroad...or if it is my amazing not-much-healthy lifestyle.

Anyway, on the brighter side, on Friday it's my birthday. 27. I still feel like I am 19, though...time went by too fast. Too many things I wanted to do or try and here I am, about to turn 27 and still haven't figured out what I want to do with my life.
Honestly, my 26 sucked in many ways. Not because there were bad things, because every year all sorts of bad things happen, and it happens to everyone. It's because I wasn't able to keep up with everything that was going on around me. I feel very disappointed in myself as a person and yes, it took me too long to realize it. I was too lazy, too sad and I was too dependent again, and I need to start fresh and move following my instincts and my will.

I went to Fukuoka a couple of weeks ago, I met with an old friend and we spent a lot of time together. Being there I realized I was completely empty. Not happy about my job, not happy about my own life and not happy about some decisions (that doesn't mean that I regret taking them, just...could have done better). I spent the last years of my life with so little free time that when I finally had some (too much on my opinion) I didn't know how to spend it. Doing something productive sounds nice. But I lacked motivation and I am sure that not being able to do my job at my workplace has a lot to do with it. I think I was very near the thin line between having no motivation and being totally depressed. My sarcasm just turned into constant complaining about everything. I should have been able to stop myself before someone had to tell me, but things happened to turn out this way. Maybe that was what I was silently asking for, old friends, comfort food and yeah, lots of alcohol. Didn't get drunk, but the laughing was epic.

Back to the topic, I'm gonna be 27 by the end of this week and some things need to change. I need to change. I'm tired of being the girl who just stands there pretending whatever. I just want to be me and do things my way because I know I am better than this. I'm gonna kick ass. I know I can do everything I want if I try. It's time for a change. And by change, I mean, CHANGE. I don't want to regret and complain about all the things I could have done but I didn't do when I'm old.

For now I am just gonna finish my drink and study a bit and go back home to spend a quiet couple of weeks :). Keep you posted!