The looong summer holidays

So here we are, mid August, finally.
And summer holidays, which I may say, are too long and unpaid so I am oficially not very happy about it but things could be worse!

I am going back home today to spend a couple of weeks with family after some months, would say almost a year since my stay back in March was too short and not happy. I don't actually remember much about it, feels like a dream sometimes.

Being here in Tokyo, miles away from home, sometimes things just don't feel real. Sometimes I can't tell what was a dream and what is the truth. Also because my sleeping habits are awful (I have been sleeping in the sofa for a couple of months because it's too hot to sleep in the loft), but I guess that being that far away from home and also the lack of information during the last months (I was too tired to even check Twitter...I was actually sleeping everywhere) made me feel like this.
Some months ago I dreamt I was still doing figure skating, and I was super happy and stuff but some days later I dreamt my mom passed away and my grandma was still alive. I freaked out. I wasn't sure about which was the reality and it was all sadness and despair and it took me a while to figure things out. I would like to know if someone has ever had the same kind of experience while being abroad...or if it is my amazing not-much-healthy lifestyle.

Anyway, on the brighter side, on Friday it's my birthday. 27. I still feel like I am 19, though...time went by too fast. Too many things I wanted to do or try and here I am, about to turn 27 and still haven't figured out what I want to do with my life.
Honestly, my 26 sucked in many ways. Not because there were bad things, because every year all sorts of bad things happen, and it happens to everyone. It's because I wasn't able to keep up with everything that was going on around me. I feel very disappointed in myself as a person and yes, it took me too long to realize it. I was too lazy, too sad and I was too dependent again, and I need to start fresh and move following my instincts and my will.

I went to Fukuoka a couple of weeks ago, I met with an old friend and we spent a lot of time together. Being there I realized I was completely empty. Not happy about my job, not happy about my own life and not happy about some decisions (that doesn't mean that I regret taking them, just...could have done better). I spent the last years of my life with so little free time that when I finally had some (too much on my opinion) I didn't know how to spend it. Doing something productive sounds nice. But I lacked motivation and I am sure that not being able to do my job at my workplace has a lot to do with it. I think I was very near the thin line between having no motivation and being totally depressed. My sarcasm just turned into constant complaining about everything. I should have been able to stop myself before someone had to tell me, but things happened to turn out this way. Maybe that was what I was silently asking for, old friends, comfort food and yeah, lots of alcohol. Didn't get drunk, but the laughing was epic.

Back to the topic, I'm gonna be 27 by the end of this week and some things need to change. I need to change. I'm tired of being the girl who just stands there pretending whatever. I just want to be me and do things my way because I know I am better than this. I'm gonna kick ass. I know I can do everything I want if I try. It's time for a change. And by change, I mean, CHANGE. I don't want to regret and complain about all the things I could have done but I didn't do when I'm old.

For now I am just gonna finish my drink and study a bit and go back home to spend a quiet couple of weeks :). Keep you posted!

Rainy June

 Weather’s been crazy during this week. Almost every day around 3 or 4 it starts raining heavily for about half an hour or so. I’m glad I did laundry early in the morning…!

I already finished my second month at work. No major changes, or at least, not the changes I was waiting for. Someone from the local Board of Education came to see some the lessons and asked me if I was happy with the working style in the schools…well, not that I get much to say about it but since I am spending two hours to commute to work daily I would like to participate a bit more…maybe I was wrong telling them what I was actually thinking but I do really want those kids to learn English (or enjoy it). Obviously for me it takes no effort just standing there in a corner doing nothing and not having to prepare stuff nor think about the lessons, but…I don’t think that’s good for kids either, and that’s what really matters. Teachers cannot speak English at all in some cases and I can see in their lack of enthusiasm when teaching English that they hate it, and I am there anyway so…I would really like to make kids enjoy English now, because they will hate it when they get in junior-high.

I was talking to a friend the other day and he told me that the problem might be the fact that I am not a teacher. That I do not own a bachelor’s degree on Education nor the teaching license. Well, I have a bachelor’s degree on Translation and Interpreting and they laugh at my face when I say it because here it’s just a test… anyway. I’ve been coaching figure skating for 6 years (with the corresponding license), I have been teaching in summer schools (with the license to do it) and I have taught English in language schools. And I bet you that more than a license it’s the attitude what makes you a teacher…you can own a license or have a degree and suck at it anyway. You can consider yourself a teacher but being disrespectful to other people in front of the kids shows how much of a good teacher you are (this actually happened…). Saying this won’t change the fact that I won’t be considered as a teacher but I am happy to know that I can do a good job and make kids learn something useful when given the chance to teach, even if this doesn’t make me a teacher “officially”.  Of course I have been considering studying something related to my job so I don’t have to deal with this anymore J (the only problem by now is the money, yey!).

Changing a bit the topic, the thing is that I miss studying. I have too much free time. I know that I could do something like having a hobby but…I’m used to a working while studying lifestyle and I kind of miss it. On a brighter note, last week I decided to do something to keep the motivation up on my battle to lose weight: swimming.

I have always liked swimming (okay, I didn’t like it on elementary school because a teacher just pushed me into the water and he was scary and I just freaked out…), but I like swimming at my own pace. I actually swim about 1500 meters in about 45 minutes which is not bad considering I have spent the last two years doing nothing and having an amazing swollen ankle. The thing is that it took me a lot of effort finding somewhere I can swim. Why? Because of the tattoo. Most gyms in Japan don’t let you register if you have tattoos (at least visible as mine…) and I had a hard time looking for places where I can get into the pool without taping my tattoo. I bought a new swimming suit that almost covers it all and I found out the swimming pool next to my house lets you in if your tattoo doesn’t exceed the size of a fist, which is my case. It’s very close to the place where I live, 2 minutes by foot (or less) but it only has 3 25m lanes and you can’t do U turn, you must change lane. Also they make a 10 minute break every hour so I have to be extremely punctual if I want to swim without interruptions. Also the use of soap and shampoo of any kind is forbidden (because the floor gets slippery…). But they have a machine that leaves your swimming suit almost dry in a matter of seconds. It costs 400 yen for 2 hours. Not bad but I miss my hometown’s pool. Never thought I would say this.

And this is how my June was. I missed Saint John’s parties and all but this year I will spend my birthday home with my family so I am really looking forward to it!

Looking back (again)

I’ve been in Japan for about two years and since finally I have some free time I decided to look back at things and write about my feelings, which unfortunately are pretty contradictory right now.

I spent one year and a half without an actual life, I was going to school in the mornings and working until late at night, but it was never a problem since I always liked to keep myself busy. Due to my lack of time and lack of money I could not enjoy my student life as much as I wanted but I had lots of fun and I met lots of people, so no regrets about it.

I managed to get a job as an English teacher. I work in three elementary schools, it takes me about one hour and a half to get to my workplace so I wake up very early in the mornings and, consequently, I go to bed very early too. I’m back to elementary school times myself. I enjoy commuting every day? Well, I don’t hate it, but I’m having serious trouble deciding if I should move or not. Leaving Tokyo is cheap; the problem would be coming back to Tokyo after one year if next school year I’m not working in the same place. Nowadays nothing ties me to Tokyo anyway but…moving takes money and time. And I feel pretty lazy about it.

But the thing I wanted to talk about is the fact that I’m missing home more than ever right now. I got to come to Tokyo after so many efforts, but when I’m asked “why did you decide to come?” I can’t find an answer.

I enjoy living and working in Japan. I like speaking Japanese everyday and, believe it or not, I like practicing kanji. There are still a lot of things I want to know about Japan, a lot of places I want to go and a lot of things I want to do. But since I quit my part-time job to become a teacher I feel lonely. It’s not the same kind of relationship; I can’t get that close with my coworkers since I don’t spend that much time with them and, must say, there is a school in particular where they treat me awful (they treat other “visitor teachers” awful too, so at least I know the problem is not me). I miss people. Something I never thought of me saying since I was always so shy and reticent to human relationships.

I work from Tuesday to Friday and weekends are the worst part of the week. People who know me know that I hate free time since I have kept myself busy for the past years doing whatever; working, studying, reading or hanging out. When I came to Japan I made friends (or acquaintances) very fast, started from scratch and tried to be a better person, failed to be for some reasons sometimes, but I think I’ve done it more than successfully. I have been there to listen to people’s problems; I think I’ve supported them during hard times. I’ve found strength to go out feeling awful just to be with people who needed me. But unfortunately, when I need someone to give me a hug I can’t find anyone. The people I need are far away, and those people I supported are capable of saying things like “oh, I’m sorry but I’m tired” in hard times like when my grandma passed out. Well, thanks. I miss my besties, the ones in Barcelona and the ones in Fukuoka. And I will forever regret being a badass during my early twenties because now I know how hard it is to feel like no one around gives a darn about what you feel. I’m sorry.

I’m feeling like crap right now because I can’t find the strength I need to go back to the old me, who had tons of motivation to do anything and who was always coming up with crazy ideas. I don’t have interest in anything, I feel I want to learn new things but I’m not even interested in deciding what; I want to travel but I don’t feel like doing it alone because, you know I’m not the kind of person to do things alone. I would require assistance for anything, even going to the toilet alone makes me feel uncomfortable and I say this after coming here all by myself (and yes, nothing makes sense). I need people. I enjoy living alone because yes, I live at my own pace, but I need people to hang out and have a beer, or drinking wine at a fancy restaurant. Or just to have a coffee at any café and talk about any stupid thing. Or just to spend time together at home watching movies and eating pizza and ice-cream.

I had a very nice first year here in Japan but, since last October things aren’t as good as I expected. Yes I have a job, yes I am healthy (I get sick often but I’m fine), I have economic stability and my family and friends are fine…but far away. Not homesick but friendsick if this does even exist (yes, it does).

So here and now I’m going to make some statements. Because all of you know that things only work for me when I write about it.

I’m going to stop living a disastrous unhealthy life and I’m going to start working out and eating healthy. Probably at my pace but it’s time for a change. And since I wrote it I have to do it, no excuses.

I’m going to find something to fill my free time; I attended a chorus lesson yesterday and I wasn’t satisfied. So I will probably look for a glee club or similar and attend private singing lessons. Even if I have a weird musical taste, music has always been by my side on tough moments so I want to give it a try. And I want to study something else because I feel empty when I don’t have to memorize useless stuff.

I’m going to start doing things, even if it’s alone. I don’t want to regret spending my whole twenties doing stuff I can do when I am old (just for the record, in one year I’ve watched all seasons of HIMYM, TBBT, Once Upon a Time, Glee and I am probably missing something). I want to go places and I shouldn’t care if nobody wants to join me.

I'm going to write. I have lots of ideas and I just need to focus. So, let's focus.

And I’m going to smile. And be proud of me. 

As usual, late.

Happy 2014!
Maybe that's what I should have said some months ago...but if you are reading this you know me. You know I'm always late. But I'm a lovely human being so no prob, right? :)

Anyway.
Not in January but in April I started a new life.

The last months were tough (not the last months, since I came to Japan it wasn't easy...) but finally I got my job, had some time to travel and meet friends, and unfortunately I went back home just for 4 days because my grandma passed out and I had to come back to Japan super fast because of work, but I made my way to start everything all over again and to start a new life. If I deserve it or not it's up to what you think but I am pretty happy about it; I got a job I never expected to do but maybe that's the job I always wanted to do. Teaching. I just wish my grandma could hear I became a teacher before leaving us. She was always so proud of me.

The point of writing now after a whole year without saying a word is that I feel like writing a lot, but not about my stuff, creative writing (mostly...or that's what I intend to do but who knows...). About my personal random stuff I think it's enough with Twitter, which you can find somewhere around this page (I changed the layout and I'm not sure about where it is right now...!) and if you need some Gemma's spam Japanese version you can read my Ameblo which I don't update frequently but sometimes I just do some hitorigoto lol.

And as usual, I might write in whatever language so... I am sorry ^^u