The looong summer holidays

So here we are, mid August, finally.
And summer holidays, which I may say, are too long and unpaid so I am oficially not very happy about it but things could be worse!

I am going back home today to spend a couple of weeks with family after some months, would say almost a year since my stay back in March was too short and not happy. I don't actually remember much about it, feels like a dream sometimes.

Being here in Tokyo, miles away from home, sometimes things just don't feel real. Sometimes I can't tell what was a dream and what is the truth. Also because my sleeping habits are awful (I have been sleeping in the sofa for a couple of months because it's too hot to sleep in the loft), but I guess that being that far away from home and also the lack of information during the last months (I was too tired to even check Twitter...I was actually sleeping everywhere) made me feel like this.
Some months ago I dreamt I was still doing figure skating, and I was super happy and stuff but some days later I dreamt my mom passed away and my grandma was still alive. I freaked out. I wasn't sure about which was the reality and it was all sadness and despair and it took me a while to figure things out. I would like to know if someone has ever had the same kind of experience while being abroad...or if it is my amazing not-much-healthy lifestyle.

Anyway, on the brighter side, on Friday it's my birthday. 27. I still feel like I am 19, though...time went by too fast. Too many things I wanted to do or try and here I am, about to turn 27 and still haven't figured out what I want to do with my life.
Honestly, my 26 sucked in many ways. Not because there were bad things, because every year all sorts of bad things happen, and it happens to everyone. It's because I wasn't able to keep up with everything that was going on around me. I feel very disappointed in myself as a person and yes, it took me too long to realize it. I was too lazy, too sad and I was too dependent again, and I need to start fresh and move following my instincts and my will.

I went to Fukuoka a couple of weeks ago, I met with an old friend and we spent a lot of time together. Being there I realized I was completely empty. Not happy about my job, not happy about my own life and not happy about some decisions (that doesn't mean that I regret taking them, just...could have done better). I spent the last years of my life with so little free time that when I finally had some (too much on my opinion) I didn't know how to spend it. Doing something productive sounds nice. But I lacked motivation and I am sure that not being able to do my job at my workplace has a lot to do with it. I think I was very near the thin line between having no motivation and being totally depressed. My sarcasm just turned into constant complaining about everything. I should have been able to stop myself before someone had to tell me, but things happened to turn out this way. Maybe that was what I was silently asking for, old friends, comfort food and yeah, lots of alcohol. Didn't get drunk, but the laughing was epic.

Back to the topic, I'm gonna be 27 by the end of this week and some things need to change. I need to change. I'm tired of being the girl who just stands there pretending whatever. I just want to be me and do things my way because I know I am better than this. I'm gonna kick ass. I know I can do everything I want if I try. It's time for a change. And by change, I mean, CHANGE. I don't want to regret and complain about all the things I could have done but I didn't do when I'm old.

For now I am just gonna finish my drink and study a bit and go back home to spend a quiet couple of weeks :). Keep you posted!

Rainy June

 Weather’s been crazy during this week. Almost every day around 3 or 4 it starts raining heavily for about half an hour or so. I’m glad I did laundry early in the morning…!

I already finished my second month at work. No major changes, or at least, not the changes I was waiting for. Someone from the local Board of Education came to see some the lessons and asked me if I was happy with the working style in the schools…well, not that I get much to say about it but since I am spending two hours to commute to work daily I would like to participate a bit more…maybe I was wrong telling them what I was actually thinking but I do really want those kids to learn English (or enjoy it). Obviously for me it takes no effort just standing there in a corner doing nothing and not having to prepare stuff nor think about the lessons, but…I don’t think that’s good for kids either, and that’s what really matters. Teachers cannot speak English at all in some cases and I can see in their lack of enthusiasm when teaching English that they hate it, and I am there anyway so…I would really like to make kids enjoy English now, because they will hate it when they get in junior-high.

I was talking to a friend the other day and he told me that the problem might be the fact that I am not a teacher. That I do not own a bachelor’s degree on Education nor the teaching license. Well, I have a bachelor’s degree on Translation and Interpreting and they laugh at my face when I say it because here it’s just a test… anyway. I’ve been coaching figure skating for 6 years (with the corresponding license), I have been teaching in summer schools (with the license to do it) and I have taught English in language schools. And I bet you that more than a license it’s the attitude what makes you a teacher…you can own a license or have a degree and suck at it anyway. You can consider yourself a teacher but being disrespectful to other people in front of the kids shows how much of a good teacher you are (this actually happened…). Saying this won’t change the fact that I won’t be considered as a teacher but I am happy to know that I can do a good job and make kids learn something useful when given the chance to teach, even if this doesn’t make me a teacher “officially”.  Of course I have been considering studying something related to my job so I don’t have to deal with this anymore J (the only problem by now is the money, yey!).

Changing a bit the topic, the thing is that I miss studying. I have too much free time. I know that I could do something like having a hobby but…I’m used to a working while studying lifestyle and I kind of miss it. On a brighter note, last week I decided to do something to keep the motivation up on my battle to lose weight: swimming.

I have always liked swimming (okay, I didn’t like it on elementary school because a teacher just pushed me into the water and he was scary and I just freaked out…), but I like swimming at my own pace. I actually swim about 1500 meters in about 45 minutes which is not bad considering I have spent the last two years doing nothing and having an amazing swollen ankle. The thing is that it took me a lot of effort finding somewhere I can swim. Why? Because of the tattoo. Most gyms in Japan don’t let you register if you have tattoos (at least visible as mine…) and I had a hard time looking for places where I can get into the pool without taping my tattoo. I bought a new swimming suit that almost covers it all and I found out the swimming pool next to my house lets you in if your tattoo doesn’t exceed the size of a fist, which is my case. It’s very close to the place where I live, 2 minutes by foot (or less) but it only has 3 25m lanes and you can’t do U turn, you must change lane. Also they make a 10 minute break every hour so I have to be extremely punctual if I want to swim without interruptions. Also the use of soap and shampoo of any kind is forbidden (because the floor gets slippery…). But they have a machine that leaves your swimming suit almost dry in a matter of seconds. It costs 400 yen for 2 hours. Not bad but I miss my hometown’s pool. Never thought I would say this.

And this is how my June was. I missed Saint John’s parties and all but this year I will spend my birthday home with my family so I am really looking forward to it!

My first month as an ALT

Looks like the rainy season already started in Tokyo.

Last week I completed my first month as an ALT, so I decided to write some thoughts and experiences about it, to share it with people who might be interested or in my same situation and also to keep track of it myself and notice my own improvements (I wonder if this will happen…?).

I am teaching in three different schools, this means, teaching with about 15 different teachers, each of them with a personal teaching style, which may include extreme preparation or total lack of it, use of technologies in a proper, improper, nonexistent way, use of the ALT to pronounce, to take part in activities or just to sit in a corner for 45 minutes. Then there are teachers who get detailed instructions and…well, feel free to change everything into doing nothing for 25 minutes. So, considering that I am just a parrot standing there with my best smile in most of the occasions it is difficult to consider myself a teacher, and even more when they call “teacher” their homeroom teacher but they call me “miss”!

But, there are good things too!

Like when you meet kids outside the school and the next day they come and tell you ‘I saw you!’ (it was very awkward when I had to spend 30 minutes on the same train with a student and her mother, though), when they follow you around the school asking you stuff or just shouting “I love you very much, you’re cute and lovely”, when they get excited because you’re going to their classroom to eat lunch with them, or when you see them smiling because they are having fun while learning.

Also, this is my first year so I am still lacking a lot of experience and confidence, and the first week was pretty hard. Now I am getting more confident everyday and I feel very happy when teachers compliment me. There is that one teacher in one of the schools who I admire a lot and I love his teaching style. I was able to attend one of his math classes last week and I thought it was amazing. I wish someone could have taught me math like that when I was in 6^th grade, the first time I failed a test with 47 points. Good teachers make you feel interested no matter how boring the subject might be. I would like to attend his classes during my free time just to take notes about class management. I would also like to ask him about his hair, if it’s his natural hair color...that guy is made of awesomeness.

The other day I was on my way to the school and I saw a kid who didn’t want to go to school. These things happen and I was running late so didn’t pay much attention. During the first period I was sitting in the English classroom reading a book (because I had nothing to do, these things happen...) when I saw the girl on the corridor with her mother and a teacher. I went outside and I introduced myself and asked her name…spoke a bit to her and she replied to me in English, which was very nice (and unexpected!) for a first grader. After classes the teacher came to me and told me the kid has a heart disease and she lacks confidence so sometimes she doesn’t want to go to school. Looks like the kid is taking an English course by correspondence, and being able to exchange some words with me made her feel more confident and after that she went to her classroom. I felt so happy about it.

 On the other hand, on Friday I had to deal with one of the most difficult groups and I was surprised because the homeroom teacher left the room and I was thrown to the river all alone and I could control the situation without losing my temper. Must say that I freaked out the first time I got into that classroom, it was like...wild. Actually, I bought a book some days ago, ESL Games: 176 English Language Games for Children by Shelley Ann Vernon, and it was really helpful, not only because it includes a bunch of games, also has some easy tips on class management. I found particularly useful the one on giving them the power to choose: instead of “we will do boring stuff if you do not behave properly”, “we can do boring stuff or we can have fun, what do you prefer?” kind of style. And I was able to say it in Japanese without hesitating (I do speak Japanese fluently but when I get nervous I do weird word-choices...), so it gave my confidence an unexpected boost on a rainy and gloomy Friday.

Anyway, having the situation under control, receiving compliments from teachers who I admire, having fun with kids made me feel more confident so I am really looking forward to increasing my teaching opportunities instead of just being a parrot standing in a corner. Let’s see how June turns out!

Looking back (again)

I’ve been in Japan for about two years and since finally I have some free time I decided to look back at things and write about my feelings, which unfortunately are pretty contradictory right now.

I spent one year and a half without an actual life, I was going to school in the mornings and working until late at night, but it was never a problem since I always liked to keep myself busy. Due to my lack of time and lack of money I could not enjoy my student life as much as I wanted but I had lots of fun and I met lots of people, so no regrets about it.

I managed to get a job as an English teacher. I work in three elementary schools, it takes me about one hour and a half to get to my workplace so I wake up very early in the mornings and, consequently, I go to bed very early too. I’m back to elementary school times myself. I enjoy commuting every day? Well, I don’t hate it, but I’m having serious trouble deciding if I should move or not. Leaving Tokyo is cheap; the problem would be coming back to Tokyo after one year if next school year I’m not working in the same place. Nowadays nothing ties me to Tokyo anyway but…moving takes money and time. And I feel pretty lazy about it.

But the thing I wanted to talk about is the fact that I’m missing home more than ever right now. I got to come to Tokyo after so many efforts, but when I’m asked “why did you decide to come?” I can’t find an answer.

I enjoy living and working in Japan. I like speaking Japanese everyday and, believe it or not, I like practicing kanji. There are still a lot of things I want to know about Japan, a lot of places I want to go and a lot of things I want to do. But since I quit my part-time job to become a teacher I feel lonely. It’s not the same kind of relationship; I can’t get that close with my coworkers since I don’t spend that much time with them and, must say, there is a school in particular where they treat me awful (they treat other “visitor teachers” awful too, so at least I know the problem is not me). I miss people. Something I never thought of me saying since I was always so shy and reticent to human relationships.

I work from Tuesday to Friday and weekends are the worst part of the week. People who know me know that I hate free time since I have kept myself busy for the past years doing whatever; working, studying, reading or hanging out. When I came to Japan I made friends (or acquaintances) very fast, started from scratch and tried to be a better person, failed to be for some reasons sometimes, but I think I’ve done it more than successfully. I have been there to listen to people’s problems; I think I’ve supported them during hard times. I’ve found strength to go out feeling awful just to be with people who needed me. But unfortunately, when I need someone to give me a hug I can’t find anyone. The people I need are far away, and those people I supported are capable of saying things like “oh, I’m sorry but I’m tired” in hard times like when my grandma passed out. Well, thanks. I miss my besties, the ones in Barcelona and the ones in Fukuoka. And I will forever regret being a badass during my early twenties because now I know how hard it is to feel like no one around gives a darn about what you feel. I’m sorry.

I’m feeling like crap right now because I can’t find the strength I need to go back to the old me, who had tons of motivation to do anything and who was always coming up with crazy ideas. I don’t have interest in anything, I feel I want to learn new things but I’m not even interested in deciding what; I want to travel but I don’t feel like doing it alone because, you know I’m not the kind of person to do things alone. I would require assistance for anything, even going to the toilet alone makes me feel uncomfortable and I say this after coming here all by myself (and yes, nothing makes sense). I need people. I enjoy living alone because yes, I live at my own pace, but I need people to hang out and have a beer, or drinking wine at a fancy restaurant. Or just to have a coffee at any café and talk about any stupid thing. Or just to spend time together at home watching movies and eating pizza and ice-cream.

I had a very nice first year here in Japan but, since last October things aren’t as good as I expected. Yes I have a job, yes I am healthy (I get sick often but I’m fine), I have economic stability and my family and friends are fine…but far away. Not homesick but friendsick if this does even exist (yes, it does).

So here and now I’m going to make some statements. Because all of you know that things only work for me when I write about it.

I’m going to stop living a disastrous unhealthy life and I’m going to start working out and eating healthy. Probably at my pace but it’s time for a change. And since I wrote it I have to do it, no excuses.

I’m going to find something to fill my free time; I attended a chorus lesson yesterday and I wasn’t satisfied. So I will probably look for a glee club or similar and attend private singing lessons. Even if I have a weird musical taste, music has always been by my side on tough moments so I want to give it a try. And I want to study something else because I feel empty when I don’t have to memorize useless stuff.

I’m going to start doing things, even if it’s alone. I don’t want to regret spending my whole twenties doing stuff I can do when I am old (just for the record, in one year I’ve watched all seasons of HIMYM, TBBT, Once Upon a Time, Glee and I am probably missing something). I want to go places and I shouldn’t care if nobody wants to join me.

I'm going to write. I have lots of ideas and I just need to focus. So, let's focus.

And I’m going to smile. And be proud of me. 

As usual, late.

Happy 2014!
Maybe that's what I should have said some months ago...but if you are reading this you know me. You know I'm always late. But I'm a lovely human being so no prob, right? :)

Anyway.
Not in January but in April I started a new life.

The last months were tough (not the last months, since I came to Japan it wasn't easy...) but finally I got my job, had some time to travel and meet friends, and unfortunately I went back home just for 4 days because my grandma passed out and I had to come back to Japan super fast because of work, but I made my way to start everything all over again and to start a new life. If I deserve it or not it's up to what you think but I am pretty happy about it; I got a job I never expected to do but maybe that's the job I always wanted to do. Teaching. I just wish my grandma could hear I became a teacher before leaving us. She was always so proud of me.

The point of writing now after a whole year without saying a word is that I feel like writing a lot, but not about my stuff, creative writing (mostly...or that's what I intend to do but who knows...). About my personal random stuff I think it's enough with Twitter, which you can find somewhere around this page (I changed the layout and I'm not sure about where it is right now...!) and if you need some Gemma's spam Japanese version you can read my Ameblo which I don't update frequently but sometimes I just do some hitorigoto lol.

And as usual, I might write in whatever language so... I am sorry ^^u

鎌倉から初日の出

Feliç any nou!
¡Feliz año nuevo!
Happy new year!
明けましておめでとうございます！

After my belated new year greeting, I must say that today I felt like writing quite a lot so beware of worthless spam.

Everytime I give a look to my Facebook profile I see a lot of things about myself I did never notice before (this means I'm getting old...). I thought that the best way of starting a new year (like about 13 days late though) was to write, to write a lot, to the people who are always there for me. 2012 was a year... well, I don't know how it was, but I guess I was always nervous, always looking forward to moving to Japan, and pretty busy (everyone knows I like to keep myself busy, so it wasn't that bad?).

Now I moved to Japan and I must say, things are more or less the same. I'm not as strong as I thought, and things aren't that nice. But I must say I'm lucky. I'm very lucky of having people like you around (not in the literal way...), people I know since I was a kid. People I met by chance. People I met like a 奇跡. So I'm gonna write one by one...I hope I don't forget anyone...

Mama, Manel, Papa, familia en general. Encara que ho digui pocs cops, us trobo molt a faltar. He anat rebent cops d'un lloc i d'un altre des que vaig arribar, les coses s'han posat més difícils del que esperava, però sempre heu estat al meu costat, encara que sigui des de lluny. Esperava que les coses anéssin molt millor, esperava no haver de dependre de vosaltres ara que la situació no està precisament "estupenda", sento molt haver-vos de demanar coses cada dos per tres... Gràcies per estar sempre al meu costat, per recolzar-me sempre. Us estimo molt.

Sandra. Fa molt temps que no parlem amb calma...o millor dit, fa molt temps que no parlem. Encara que no digui res, sempre tinc present que tinc a la meva millor amiga a l'altra banda del món. Gràcies per estar sempre al meu costat, per recolzar les meves decisions, i per dir-me que sóc una burra quan cal. De vegades m'agradaria poder caminar deu minuts i venir a casa teva a buscar-te com sempre. Et trobo moltíssim a faltar, molt. T'estimo molt!

Lorena y Alba. Me hubiese gustado pasar mucho más tiempo con vosotras cuando estuvísteis aquí, pero fue algo que tampoco dependía de mí. Gracias por todo, por haber venido, por los ratos que pasamos aquí aunque fueran pocos y especialmente por los recuerdos. Desde que llegué las cosas no han ido especialmente bien, los días que estuvísteis aquí estuve muy, muy feliz de poder veros otra vez y poder trollear como hacíamos siempre. Aunque volvais a estar lejos, gracias por escucharme siempre, y perdonad que no pueda seros de tanta ayuda como esperábais. ¡Y por no haberos dejado dormir demasiado! ¡Gracias por todo! まいどあり！おおきいに！

慎多郎。本当に出会えってよかった。マジで。離れても、大切な存在になったよ。いつも優しくて、そばにいてありがとう。時々ちょっと落ち込んで、強引になる時もあるけど、しんちゃんはいつも心を落ち着いてくれてありがとう。最近の私がめちゃくちゃで・・・ごめんね。今、私たちの状況は似いてるだけでなく、性格も似いてるから、言葉を使わなくても、何が言いたいのが分かる気がする。だから、しんちゃんはいつも頼りになっちゃって・・・ホンマにお世話になった。言いたいこといっぱいあるけど、言葉がでてこない・・・しんちゃん、いつもありがとう！今年もよろしく！大好きな友達だよ！☆

Ruben. Gràcies, mil gràcies. Gràcies per haver-me presentat a una familia com Hotaru, per tot el que m'has ensenyat, i també per la teva super amabilitat. No puc fer més que estar-te agraïda per tot. Gràcies per escoltar els meus problemes i per intentar donar-me sempre un cop de mà. Gràcies per la primera abraçada de l'any, realment em vaig emocionar molt. M'alegro de que la casualitat em permetés coneixe't. 先輩、いつもありがとうございます！お世話になりました！今年もよろしくお願いします！

ほたるFamily.　おはようございます！今まで、本当にありがとうございます。ほたるの皆さんを出会うチャンスをくれてありがとうございます。最初のジェンマはあまり話しませんでしたけども・・・どんどん話したり、大きな声だしたり、もっと自信持ったりするようになります。忙しいところでもいつも優しくて説明してくれてありがとう。私にとって、ほたるの皆さんは家族のようになりました。日本に来てからいつも心配で、不安でした。すごく大変でしたから、スペインに帰ろうと思ったくらいでした。でも、ほたるで、毎日、働きながら、どんなに大変で、忙しくても笑顔ができます。入ってから1ヶ月しかたてませんが、バイト者として、人間として、成長できたと思います。日本語もだんだんペラペラになりますね！（笑）ですから、これから、毎日もっと頑張りたいとおもいます。よろしくお願いします！

Héctor. Sí, usted. Lo cierto es que eres lo mejor que me llevo de la facultad, seriously. Pocas de las personas que he conocido por aquellas tierras de Bellaterra a quien puedo considerar un amigo. Eres positivo, con ganas de trabajar, capaz de preocuparte por los demás y de mandar y leer correos de tamaño descomunal... I want to be like you when I grow up. Te admiro muchísmo, de verdad. Me das muchísimas ganas de seguir esforzándome y de ser mejor persona a todos niveles. Muchísimas gracias.

Ale. ¡No mames, tú también estás! Gracias por todo. Por esperarme cuando llego tarde, por caminar a horas intempestivas por Omotesando en busca de una foto decente de la Tokyo Tower o sin rumbo alguno, por acompañarme de compras, perderte conmigo dentro del BookOff y demás. Por soportarme los días que tengo un sueño que te cagas y suelto tonterías sin parar...o cuando muerdo. Creo que he tenido una gran suerte de haber conocido a alguien como tú en un lugar como éste: pocas veces se coincide en una misma clase con alguien que habla tu idioma y que además tiene una personalidad compatible.... Probablemente si no pudiera quedar contigo para hacer nada en concreto y hablar de tonterías me habría tirado ya por un puente. Es una lástima que esto se acabe pronto, así que 最後まで楽しもう！ありがとう！今年もよろしくね！☆

Maybe I forgot important ones...or maybe I just kept those deep feelings for an important occasion (that's what I actually did so there's someone missing here for sure).